- Good morning, sir. How can I help?
- I need some deaths.
- May I ask how many, sir?
- I’m not sure yet. Is there a discount for numbers?
- We have a deal on at the moment. 20% off for six or more in one package
- Is that all dying at the same time, or can you spread them over a period?
- Within five years. A lot of people buy our five year death package in the hope that I’ll be gone myself by then. But I do have sons, you see sir. Albderdeny and Sons, as it says above the door.
- I see. Well, we’ll see how that goes, then. So. What sort of deaths do you offer, at what sort of price?
- Well, our premium deaths - quiet, in your sleep at home, painless, that sort of thing - start at £50,000.
- £50,000!? I can’t afford that!
- Some of our customers like to save up for it, sir. Or you can always cash in your pension if you think you won’t be needing it. Fix a date, you know.
- So what sort of thing do you get to die of for £50,000?
- Oh, there are various options. Low blood pressure for instance. In your sleep. You never know a thing about it. Or a stroke. A whopping great stroke in your sleep. The brain has no pain receptors.
- Heart attack? You hear people talking very fondly of the heart attack.
- Of course but it can be painful. Usually, actually. At best there are a few moments of ... Oh fuck, ouch that hurts, sort of thing, before actual brain death, which is the one that counts, of course. I can offer you a discount of a mixed package of heart attacks if you like, sir.
- What sort of mixed?
- Some at work. Others during sport. Playing tennis. Sex, that’s always popular with some men, although we very rarely get the ladies buying that one. We do bespoke mixes, but out most popular package includes a random mix of in bed, at work, playing tennis and one pot-luck.
- I don’t play tennis.
- Football?
- Not for years.
- All the better, sir.
- How much?
- £7,000 a death. 20% off for over six.
- Christ. This dying is an expensive business. Then there’s the funeral.
- Can I ask for whom all these deaths are for? That may have some bearing on cost.
- The family, including myself. And in-laws.
- Well, we do offer a family package - a range of family packages, actually. For example, you can have one midnight stroke, a couple of at-work-and-play heart attacks, two or three cancers - price dependent on type - and something else thrown in. Aneurism, tropical diseases, boils, plague, that sort of thing.
- Hmm. And - out of curiosity, you understand - violence? Accident at work, car crash, drowning. Mugging. You know ...
- Oh, no, no, no. we don’t deal in that sort of thing. You’re getting into murder territory there, sir. We’re an honest firm dealing in honest deaths.
- I see. Well, anyway, I’m not sure I can afford a bespoke death after all.
- Cancer’s very cheap.
- Yes, I wonder why that is.
- Well, at least you know what’s coming. A lot of people prefer that. We also offer second hand deaths, if that would help.
- Pre-loved death?
- Pre-owned. Under half the price very often.
- What’s the downside?
- ... They don’t always work.
- So you can end up a bit, ergh ....?
- I’m afraid so.
- Oh, dear. I’m going to have to think about it ...
- Well, it’s up to you. Leaving it to chance can be a very distressing experience. None of our customers have ever come back to complain.
- I don’t know …
- What about a do-it-yourself death? I can offer you a range of accidents if it’s just for yourself. Or ...
(Leans across the counter and whispers.)
- Suicides. Mr Morphine is one of our best sellers. Under the counter, of course.
- Now you’re talking!
Macabre!
Thank onions, dinner deaths were off the menu